Sketch summary: In our daily lives we come across individuals whose mere presence can be toxic to us. We need to be able to identify and deal with them appropriately. This sketch introduces us to such a family.
Cast:
Ted Toxin – Chris Havens
Trudy Toxin - Jeanne Fox
Ned the Neighbor - Steve Matteson
Credits:
Director - Jeanne Fox
Author – Jeanne Fox
Script:
Setting: Ted Toxin has just arrived home from work. The general appearance of the home and the Toxin’s should give an impression of disrepair, neglect and grossness.
TED: Hey Trudy! Where are you?
TRUDY: I’m right here. Don’t get your bowels in an uproar.
TED: When a man comes home he expects his old lady to be ready to greet him appropriately.
TRUDY: Well, when I see an old lady, I’ll let her know. How was your day?
TED: It was great!
TRUDY: Really?
TED: Yeah, you know that intern that started yesterday?
TRUDY: Yeah.
TED: I made him cry today!
TRUDY: Ted, you’re slipping. You usually bring ‘em to tears by the end of the first day.
TED: Give me a break. I had a meeting yesterday afternoon. So get this, the boss calls me in and tells me I’m too hard on the kid. Too hard! The loser should thank me for showing him how to be a man. So what did you do today, besides your nails?
TRUDY: I had a nice little meeting with the principal. It seems as if Tommy has been getting into trouble.
TED: Doing what?
TRUDY: Sassing the teacher, picking on other kids, fighting at recess, making girls cry.
TED: Duh, he’s a boy isn’t he? It’s not like he’s setting the school on fire.
TRUDY: No, that was last year. So I told the principal that his teacher obviously has a problem maintaining discipline in the classroom, and that is hardly Tommy’s fault.
TED: Exactly! I always said she was a wimp.
TRUDY: Well, we won’t have to deal with her whiney attitude anymore. She is switching to Kindergarten, with the rest of the babies.
TED: Good! (Knock at the door) Oh great! It’s that guy from next door.
TRUDY: Ned?
TED: Yeah, the one who won’t let his kids play with Tommy.
TRUDY: He probably saw you drive up. You’d better let him in.
TED: (opens door) Yeah, what do you want?
NED: I would like to talk to you for a moment if I could.
TED: Okay, come on in.
NED: Oh, that’s not necessary.
TED: Well, you might leave the door open all winter at your house, but we don’t. So either come in or leave.
NED: Okay, if you insist.
TRUDY: Hi, Ned.
NED: (nods in acknowledgement) Trudy. Um, I guess I might as well get straight to the point.
TED: Good, cause I’m bored already.
NED: Well, I came to talk about Tommy.
TRUDY: I haven’t seen him.
NED: Well, no, I don’t suppose you have. You see, he has been chasing our cat all around the neighborhood.
TED: So?
NED: He set its tail on fire!
TRUDY: The fluffy whit cat?
NED: Yes! Miss Puff.
TED: I bet that tail went up in a puff of smoke.
(TED and TRUDY burst out laughing)
NED: This isn’t funny!
TRUDY: Now, Ned, you gotta admit that is quite creative for Tommy.
NED: Creative isn’t the word that comes to mind.
TED: Well, if you kept your cat in your own house, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
NED: Are you saying this is my fault?
TRUDY: I don’t see how it’s mine.
NED: Unbelievable!
TED: Maybe you’ll think twice before you let your cat do its business in our yard.
(NED leaves)
TRUDY: Good job, honey! Did you see that vein in his forehead popping out? I think I even saw him tearing up when he left!
